


Missouri Beach

by WhydYouMakeHotNoodlesOnSuchAHotDay



Category: Check Please! (Webcomic)
Genre: Bi Lions, Bitty Goes Bad, Comedy, Drug Use, Graffiti, M/M, Nudity, Pokeberries, Rivers, haha okay, stoner comedy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-01
Updated: 2018-09-01
Packaged: 2019-07-05 06:18:36
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,721
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15857943
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WhydYouMakeHotNoodlesOnSuchAHotDay/pseuds/WhydYouMakeHotNoodlesOnSuchAHotDay
Summary: Jack and Bitty had returned to the side of the river they came from, with Bitty back in his shorts and Jack fully clothed. They had just finished Bitty's almond-butter and peach jam sandwiches. Neither spoke for some time. Then Bitty stood up and walked over to some bushes."Do you know what pokeberries are, Jack?""Can't say that I do, Bits.""They're these berries right here." Bitty carressed a hanging cluster of dark blue berries connected by blood-red stems. "They're poisonous, but if you're careful there are a number of traditional recipes you can make. Pokeberry jelly, for instance. They say the seeds of the berries are what's poisonous, but if you're careful the fruit itself should be fine."Bitty stood there for a while, examining the pokeberries, rotating a cluster of them with his hand. "Have you ever tasted death, Jack?"Jack's eyes grew wide. "Haha, okay?"Shitty, Lardo, Jack, and Bitty go to the quirky, and at times clothing optional, section of the Edwards River known as Missouri Beach.





	Missouri Beach

**Author's Note:**

> This story started out as a way of making fanfiction about, not only the characters of Check, Please!, but also a certain river which we'll call the "Edwards River". You remember in Spirited Away how (spoiler alert) the guy is actually the spirit of the Kohaku River? Well, if he were the spirit of the Edwards River he would be into some pretty weird shit. Enjoy! (Any relation to actual people or places is purely coincidental, wink.)

1.

The parking lot that Shitty, Lardo, Jack, and Bitty entered was the passageway from the Southern city of Wealthmont into its beating heart, the Edwards River. Or maybe it was the city's adrenal glands. Anyway, Shitty parked, and they stepped out of the car. They faced the woods, which had a trail that led to the "Missouri Beach" section of the river below. It was around 10am, sunny, and already pretty hot. They stood around and stretched like normal people. 

"Well, we're here," said Shitty. "It won't be too long before we can lay out in the sun completely unencumbered by clothing." Shitty had told them how he found out about the place online, and how they had a live-and-let-live attitude toward... a number of things. They were on a road trip, and he just had to check out Missouri Beach. 

"Suit yourself," said Jack. "Or don't, heh." 

"Yeah," Bitty said to Shitty. "Y'all have fun, but I think I'll keep my modesty."

"Oh, what a shock." laughed Lardo. "Why am I not surprised that Mr. 'Preserves and jam are not the same thing' doesn't have a sense of adventure. Shitty, I'm with you." She walked forward, and Bitty glared at the back of her head. 

"If dogs can walk around naked, why can't we?" said Shitty. 

They entered the woods. They crossed a footbridge over train tracks, which ended at a concrete staircase. Each level of the staircase had a mural. Some murals were cute and cartoony, some were impressionist, some were realistic, but one mural in particular caught Bitty's eye:

A male figure, nude, sitting cross-legged in the lotus position, on top of a flower that rose from the middle of a flowing river. 

"Hey Bits," said Jack. "That guy looks like you." The figure was meditating, and had a third eye on its forehead which radiated out light. Bitty couldn't stop looking at it. Bitty felt there was a part of him that had always been suppressed. He remembered the arts students back in high school. That cute guy with that goth look who got an award once. That guy was cool, mysterious. Bitty could never quite make out whether he wanted to be him or do him. 

"Bitty, are you coming?" said Lardo. 

"Yeah," said Bitty. He was still annoyed by Lardo's sarcastic remark. First, jam and preserves were interesting and definitely not the same thing, but anyway it wasn't like he was just about jam and preserves and baking. True, he spent a lot of energy trying not to make waves in life, but he knew there was this part of himself deep inside that had been dormant, a fire of his true self that people would admire if only he could let it out. 

Shitty, meanwhile, was thinking of his new fictional soul-mate, depicted in another mural: a raccoon gripping a can of soda labeled "Adventure". 

The trail met the river, passing beaches colonized by families with kids, passing stormwater overflow pipes with colorful "GUH!" graffiti, and passing the ruins of an old mill that looked like something the Mayans might have left behind. Shitty stopped. "So," said Shitty. "I believe that the clothing-optional area is somewhere over here. I'm going to see what's happening. Why don't we split up," he told Jack and Bitty, "and meet for lunch later on."

"Sounds good," said Jack. "Have fun." 

* * *

2.

Jack and Bitty continued walking along the river. Missouri beach was huge. Always on their left was the Edwards River, up to half a mile wide in places, strewn with big wooded islands and small bald islands. Kayaks, rafts, and people in inner tubes floated downstream. People on the shore set up hammocks and hung out, but it was still early and not every place was filled. Everything was new to Jack and Bitty. They followed the trail, walking through woods with the sweet smell of fermented fruit, under a bridge with the rushing sound of cars overhead, over a fallen tree trunk; they straddled mud puddles, they walked on the train tracks (they were worried about police and waited until someone else did it first), and they found themselves near some graffiti-covered rubble in a place that people didn't get to if they played by the rules. 

Bitty heard a splash and turned left. Guys were jumping off of stone columns standing some 20 feet high in the middle of the river. Bitty also noticed an island with lots of open space, and he could make out a few pink figures standing there. 

"Hey, Jack", said Bitty. "Let's go over there."

They waded across the river, hands and feet struggling over slippery pointy rocks, and trying not to get swept downstream. It took ten painful minutes, but they made it to the island. The pink figures who were there earlier had put on their clothes and left. "I think there were nudists here, Jack."

"I think so, too, Bits."

Most of the island was rocky, but there was an area shaded by trees, so they went there. They sat down and rested, and drank some water. Some time passed. 

"Jack, I'm guessing this is one of those nude areas Shitty was talking about. I reckon that we could probably get naked and not get into any serious trouble."

"Yeah, but there are houses there." Jack pointed to a couple of houses far up on the hill on the side of the river they had come from. One house looked like a castle. 

"Okay," said Bitty, "but if we're careful those trees will keep them from seeing us. Anyway, they're both so far away they probably wouldn't recognize that we were nude." 

Jack continued. "Okay, but what about those kayakers and rafters?" he said, pointing to the watercraft slowly approaching the rapids that snaked along the outside of the island. "What about people on the trail we were on? What about those guys jumping over there?"

Bitty responded. "Well, if we stay over here, we'll be out of sight of the jumpers and the kayakers. The people on the trail would be too far away to tell that we were nude."

"But what if other people are on this island? Shouldn't we explore those woods first?" Jack said. 

"Look, Jack," said Bitty. "Bless your heart, but there are times I'd like to be... more adventurous. Here, let me show you."

Bitty stood up and stretched. He walked toward the other side of the island and peaked upstream. He then walked back and paused before Jack. He bent over and took off each of his sandals, and paused again, looking around. He sighed nervously. Then he stuck his thumbs into his shorts and pulled them off, tossing them aside. He stood in his boxers, and breathed one more time before taking them off as well. 

A dawning feeling of freedom arose. He stood there, in nothing but himself, under a clear blue sky, shifting from foot to foot on burning hot rocks that looked and felt like they had been helicoptered in from the Southwest and dropped into the river. 

"Okay," Jack giggled and smirked, sitting in the shade. "Um."

"I'm hot," said Bitty. 

"I know," said Jack. 

"I'm going to lay down in that stream over there," he said, and laid down in flowing water that was barely deep enough to cover him. "'Swawesome," he whispered. 

Jack was full of feelings. One of those feelings was, "I have an erection", which he tried to control by thinking of maggots and parasites, but his mind drifted to feelings of jealousy and shame which proved more effective. Jealousy, because his boyfriend, the mild-mannered Bittle, was so much more free right now, while Jack struggled with anxiety, forever worrying about whether other people would approve. But there was also shame, because... well, he wasn't quite sure, it was always kinda there. 

"Jack, take off your dang shirt." 

"You think you need sunscreen?" Jack asked Bitty. They had been in the shade up until they crossed the river. 

"Maybe later," said Bitty. He stood up and walked around, checking for kayaks and tubers on the river. 

Jack stood up, took off his shirt, and laid it down next to him, followed by his sandals. He walked over to where he could see upstream. The guys were still jumping off the concrete structure. There were a few people in inner tubes maybe five to ten minutes upstream. Fishermen and others were on each side of the river. Downstream he couldn't see much. As for the woods on the island, it seemed empty, but shouldn't they check? 

"There are a lot of people," said Jack. 

"Really? Let me see," said the naked Bitty, strolling toward Jack and in plain view of everyone else.

"So you're just going to go like that, in front of everybody."

"Yep."

"Really."

Bitty sighed with a Southern accent. "You know, Jack, I didn't realize *chickens* were the kind of waterfowl seen around here."

"Chickens aren't waterfowl, Bits."

Bitty, fueled by either courage, a desired to one-up Jack, or something in the river that had slipped past the Clean Water Act, walked over and climbed to the top of the biggest boulder. 

"Bits, I know most of those people are pretty far away, but those tubers are getting pretty close."

"There are an awful lot of Canadian Geese around here, aren't there." 

"C'mon, Bits."

"No, I mean I think I stepped in some goose poop."

Bitty climbed down to the shady side of the rock and scraped the bottom of his foot on its side, while the kayakers, rafters, and tubers, who had *definitely* seen Bitty, moved through the rapids outside the island. 

* * *

3.

"This was a nice family vacation, wasn't it," said Ethel. 

Harold was in a bad mood. He was constipated, having not a bowel movement in four days, and his heat rash was flaring up. He was also annoyed he had to accompany his two kids, Heather and Cody, on this rafting trip when he'd rather be at home participating in his favorite hobby, calling the police on neighbors who played their music too loud. Harold, his wife, and two kids were smothered in safety equipment. [Author's note: always obey the appropriate regulations for recreational watercraft usage.] They paddled downstream when Harold, who had the best eyesight of the four despite his age, spotted a naked blonde man standing on a boulder. "What the hell?" growled Harold, as he reached for his phone. At that exact moment, a Great Blue Heron flew into him, causing him to drop his phone into the river. 

The Great Blue Heron let out its lovely melodious call: "Hagh! Hegh! Ghzaslrlavza!"

"Hagh! Hegh! Ghzaslrlavza!" grumbled Harold. 

 

* * *

4\. 

Shitty and Lardo were downstream, stepping from rock to rock amidst college-aged couples sunbathing, listening to music, or playing with their dogs. So many dogs. 

"Hey, Lardo," Shitty said, pointing to the side of a large rock. 

"What is it?"

"Look." Lardo climbed over, and saw "Nude Rock" spray-painted on the side. "We found it," said Shitty.

"I... have to admit I didn't think it'd be this clear," laughed Lardo. "It's like a bulls-eye."

"'Swawesome. I don't see anyone on this rock. We should ask someone."

Shitty turned to a twenty-something woman who was laying on her stomach, reading "Car Sick" by John Waters. She pointed them to a wooded area with a sandy beach which Lardo decided to call The Lagoon. Shitty and Lardo waded and walked there. On a nearby boulder a man was sunbathing nude, and a nude woman nearby was sitting and drawing something on a large pad of paper. 

Lardo spoke. "It looks like those trees keep us pretty well hidden from the other side, though we might have to watch out for people floating down the river."

"I'll keep that in mind," said Shitty, already tossing his boxers over his shoulder. 

Lardo laid out in the sun, while Shitty drifted through the lagoon as slowly as possible in one direction, then as slowly as possible in another direction, and then as slowly as possible in a third direction, and maybe even a fourth, I dunno. They didn't have a care in the world, not even whatever those fish were that kept nibbling at Shitty's body, or the occasional water snake. 

"Hey Lardo."

"Yeah, Shitty?"

"You hear that?" Shitty paused. "I think the river is going to riv."

"What? That doesn't make any-"

Suddenly, the river rivved. 

"Well I'll be," said Lardo. 

As happy as they were in their naked lagoon paradise, gradually, it got more and more populated, first by naked Wilford Brimley, then naked Santa, then naked Mike Pence. (Shitty came up with the nicknames.) Naked Wilfred Brimley started idly groping himself. 

"You know what," said Shitty, clearing his throat. "Let's go exploring."

 

* * *

5.

"It's not like I don't want to try," said Jack. 

"Then just do it," said Bitty, who was still nude. The kayaks, rafts, and inner tubes had passed. "Repeat after me. 'I don't care what they think.'"

Jack shrugged. "'I don't care what they think.'" 

Bitty waited, Jack did nothing. 

"Are you hot?" said Bitty.

"Yeah, it's pretty muggy."

"Jack, that water there is nice and cool, and as captain of this island I order you to bathe in it."

Jack smiled and sighed. "Aye, aye, captain." He breathed nervously and fidgeted, looking around. He breathed again. "I got this, just give me a minute." He breathed a few more times. "Okay." He breathed again, then finally took off his swim trunks, and then his boxers, and placed them to the side. 

Bitty ran over and hugged him. "Jack, you did it!"

"O...Okay, Bits, time to cool off," Jack said, and he went to lay down in the stream. The water spilled over him like cool silk, and instantly washed away an hour of sweat and swampass. "'Swawesome," he whispered. 

After a minute, Jack slowly stood up. He looked around and saw Bitty climbing a boulder. "Come up here," said Bitty. 

Jack looked upstream and saw that the kayaks and such were still a ways away. _I don't care what they think_ thought Jack. Feeling bolder, he climbed the boulder and stood next to Bitty. Everything below them seemed so distant. Everything around them seemed like a living painting, showing them what green, blue, and yellow were really like. And with Bitty, everything he had ever felt seemed to be swimming through his heart all at once. He leaned in and kissed Bitty. It was such a beautiful day. A faint mechanical whirring could be heard as a Great Blue Heron turned its head in their direction. 

"Let's see what's in those woods," said Bitty, who climbed down and walked toward some kind of trail. 

"Umm, Bitty? Shouldn't we get back to our clothes?" Jack said. 

"Ahahahaha!" Bitty cackled demonically as he ran into the woods.

 

* * *

6\. 

Shitty and Lardo were back in their swimsuits as they drifted in waist-deep water slightly upstream, moving from island to island like they were discovering new continents. "Shame there's no shade," said Shitty, poking at the grey cloud in the silver lining. 

"Yeah," said Lardo, "but let's see what's over there first before we-- Ooh. Is that guy nude? He's just standing there in front of everyone," Lardo said, referring to a 20-something guy with his swimsuited friends. 

"What?" said Shitty, and then he saw him. "Can he do that? I mean, we did, but we were surrounded by trees."

"I guess he is. Maybe he thinks he won't be seen clearly enough by people on the shore. Let's say hi."

"This rock is not high enough!" shouted the guy, referring to the rock he was standing on. "I need a higher rock! Wah!" He jumped into the river.

Shitty waded his way over to him, passing a rock with chalk art of a mouth with a tab of LSD on its tongue. He then realized he lost Lardo, who was climbing a different rock. Lardo stood up and took off her top and bottom. "I am the lizard queen!" she yelled, naked.

"What." said Shitty to himself.

The Naked Guy yelled back to Lardo, "Oh yeah? Well I'm king of these rocks here!" A couple of his friends facepalmed. 

"I am empress of *these* rocks, and if you step foot near here, there will be hell to pay!" said Lardo. 

"Oh yeah? Well I'm space captain of this... thing, so... yeah!" The Naked Guy waved her off and jumped into the water. 

Shitty, in the water like Thomas Eakins, called up to Lardo. "My queen! Do you need reinforcements?"

"No, I think they're ignoring me," she laughed. She sat down, and Shitty climbed up beside her. He slipped his shorts off, and they both sat there peacefully until they saw blinking blue lights at the boat-launch area across the river. "Shit, let's go," she said. 

 

* * *

7\. 

Jack followed Bitty into the darkness. They entered the woods, following a vague trail surrounded by pine trees which they walked awkwardly since neither was accustomed to walking in the woods barefoot, nevermind naked. The trail followed a small stream, and they stopped at a boulder. "I want to try something," said Bitty. He climbed the boulder and sat in the lotus position, like in the mural he saw earlier. "I want to try to meditate."

"Uh, sure," said Jack, standing naked beside the boulder. He had abandoned behaving "normally" in favor of seeing what would happen if he followed Bitty. _I don't care what they think_ he reminded himself. 

Bitty closed his eyes and focused on his breath. His mind raced back to when he was 13 and trying to meditate because a friend had talked about doing so in karate class. He tried to regain focus. Connecting with nature...connecting with nature.... He thought about the wind which brushed past him. The rock he was sitting on was probably millions of years old. The sun shone so the trees could grow, which in turn helped every animal in these woods. These woods were alive with sounds. Rushing water, the wind, a train in the distance, and a woman yelling, "I have to draw you!"

Bitty opened his eyes and squinted. "Don't move," said the lady. She was a 30ish woman digging through her pockets. "I left my art supplies in the car... but I have this golf pencil and some post-it notes." She started drawing, kneeling down and scrawling on a post-it note she braced against her knee. "I'm sorry, this isn't going to be my best work, but when you find inspiration you have to chase it." 

Bitty tried to say something, but just managed to clear his throat instead. He noticed Jack was gone. 

"You know what, this is fine," the woman said, standing up. She sighed. "You have it," she said, and handed Bitty the post-it note.

"Um," he said. 

"Keep it," the woman said. "I'm sorry for making a fuss, it was nice drawing you, I'm sorry for interrupting your meditation. Ciao!" She walked away. 

"Uh," said Bitty. She was gone. He looked at the drawing on the post-it note. Not bad, he thought. Suddenly a gust of wind blew the paper out of his hand. Bitty tried chasing it, but it blew into the surrounding trees. 

"Hey, Bits," said Jack, appearing fully clothed. "Uh, sorry for leaving you, I just didn't want to be seen naked by a random lady." 

"That lady was about as random as they get," said Bitty. 

Suddenly, Jack's phone rang. It was Shitty. "Hey, guys," said Shitty over the phone. "Lardo and I are headed upstream. Where are you?"

"Upstream, on an island," said Jack. 

"Let's meet and have a picnic somewhere. Oh, by the way, let me know if you see any cops looking for us. Just wondering."

"Haha, okay?"

 

* * *

8\. 

Shitty continued talking on his phone as he and Lardo had followed the trail upstream and onto the train tracks. "I just think if they designated even a small area for that purpose, everyone would be-- Hold on..." 

Shitty turned to Lardo. 

"You see that?" said Shitty to Lardo, pointing to an opening in the chain-link fence next to the train tracks. "Let's see where that opening goes." He spoke into his phone. "Hey, Jack, why don't you start eating without us. There's this trail and I want to see where it leads." 

Jack replied. "Uh, can't it wait? We're--"

"Nope, sorry. See you soon." Shitty hung up, and he and Lardo crossed the tracks and walked up to the opening in the chain-link fence. Shitty squeezed through, then Lardo. A short trail led out of the woods, and to a grassy hill with a castle-like mansion on top. 

"I've always wanted to go into a castle," said Shitty. 

"W...what are you thinking, Shitty?" said Lardo. 

"I think I'd like a closer look," he said and started walking up the hill. 

"You sure you know what you're doing, Shitty?"

"Haven't you ever heard of urban exploring? Hold on... are those stained-glass windows?" Shitty and Lardo crept up to the house. The front door was open. "Let's go inside," he whispered. 

"Are you insane?" whispered Lardo, screamingly. 

"It's an adventure," he whispered. "Remember the raccoon with the soda can."

"What?!?"

He tiptoed to the door, peaking through the opening to see if anyone was inside, then stepped in. Lardo grudgingly snuck behind him. 

The foyer was dark and smelled like old books and reminded them of the movie Clue. Everything was ornately decorated, portraits of the owners, gold-leaf wallpaper, a fireplace with detailed carvings, lots of statues of geese for some reason. 

"Hello!" A lady in her 50s greeted them. "Are you here for the tour?"

"........................Yes." said Shitty. 

"Wonderful! Do you have your ticket?"

"Uh, no."

"We do require a five dollar donation."

"Here's twenty."

"Wonderful. I have to inform you that we do have a 'No shirt, no shoes, no service' policy. That goes for ladies too." Lardo was in her bathing suit. 

"Oh, yeah," said Shitty. Shitty and Lardo opened their backpacks and put on their shirts which were damp and smelled like river. 

"The tour has already started," said the lady, "but you can still join us upstairs." 

Shitty and Lardo walked upstairs, their flipflops squishing with each step they took on the stairs' priceless red carpeting, and they met the rest of the tour group, who averted their eyes. 

"So let's continue," the tour guide said. "As I mentioned downstairs, the Waltcliffes made their fortune in robotics, and it was a large fortune, and so in addition to this residence, Pennymont, the Waltcliffes also have their summer home, Goosetopia, their second summer home, Herongri-la, and their third summer home--" she cleared her throat, "--The Duck Pad. Since this residence is the only one open to tourism, items from those other residences are used to furnish this residence, as you can see from the prominent goose motif throughout the house, such as here in this bedroom." Shitty and Lardo stepped to the front and looked around. The mirror had goose carvings. The chairs had goose armrests. The bed was shaped like a goose-- just kidding, that would be absurd. 

Shitty spoke up. "So, the owners died and bequeathed this place as a museum or something?"

"Well, actually," the tour guide said, "the owner, Penny Waltcliffe, is upstairs right now."

"Really?" he said. He turned toward the staircase, which looked inviting.

"Of course. But tourists are not allowed upstairs. Penny prefers to be alone with her, ahem, telescope."

"Is she an astronomer or something?"

"She... has an interest in observing... celestial and... non-celestial bodies."

The tour guide continued with some shit about sconces, while Shitty and Lardo slowly backed away from the rest of the group. The group walked into another room, and Shitty and Lardo stood at the bottom of the second-floor portion of the staircase. They paused, then Shitty put his foot on the first step...

"Shitty!" Lardo whispered. "We're not going to barge in on an old woman."

"...." Shitty did not have a response to this. "Fine, whatever. Where's the tour group?"

"Greetings!" said an elderly female voice with an aristocratic accent. They looked up. At the top of the stairs stood a 100-year-old woman, smiling and clasping her hands. "Please, come up. Make yourselves at home!" 

Shitty and Lardo cautiously climbed the stairs. 

"Would you like some drinks?"

"No, thanks, ma'am," said Shitty. 

"Well, let me show you my artwork. My name's Penny, by the way. What's yours?" 

"Larissa."

"Uh, 'Jeff'."

Shitty and Lardo reached the top of the stairs and followed Penny down the hall. They entered a bedroom, where a telescope pointed out the window and a camera rested on her nightstand. "I love nature," said Penny, looking out the window. "And I get such a beautiful view from this house." She turned to Shitty. "Your clothes are soaking wet! Did you just go for a swim?"

"Yeah, basically," said Shitty. 

"You look miserable in those damp, wet clothes. Why don't you take your shirt off?"

Shitty complied. Lardo smirked. 

Penny glanced at Shitty's chest, then glanced again, then turned to the window. "People who go down to the river sure do love their natural surroundings. I see them through my telescope. Sometimes, they don't even wear clothes! Young couples, pretty often. Just boys and girls." She turned to the camera. "And sometimes boys and boys." She picked up the camera. She smiled. "Let's see what we've got here." 

They exited the room and entered a darkroom, lit with red lighting, with trays of developer solution and photos hanging on a clothesline. As Penny looked through the photos, Shitty turned to Lardo, a gleam of adventure in his eye, and whispered, "This is what the raccoon was about."

"What?" said Lardo. "I don't even... whatever, I don't care."

Penny spoke. "Come! Have a look."

Shitty and Lardo looked at the photographs. Most were nude men standing on rocks in the middle of the river, photographed from a distance. Some were close-ups. "Shitty!" whispered Lardo. 

"What?"

"Look." One photo featured Bitty and Jack, nude, standing on top of a bolder, embraced in a kiss. 

"Is that them?" said Shitty. 

"Yeah, I think so."

"Should we tell them?"

"Uh..."

"Aren't they just beautiful," interrupted Penny. She bumped into Shitty. "My, your shorts are soaked, too. It's funny, the nude models I employ don't have to worry about such things. Have you ever modeled? Would you like to?"

 

* * *

9\. 

Jack and Bitty had returned to the side of the river they came from, with Bitty back in his shorts and Jack fully clothed. They had just finished Bitty's almond-butter and peach jam sandwiches. Neither spoke for some time. Then Bitty stood up and walked over to some bushes. 

"Do you know what pokeberries are, Jack?"

"Can't say that I do, Bits."

"They're these berries right here." Bitty carressed a hanging cluster of dark blue berries connected by blood-red stems. "They're poisonous, but if you're careful there are a number of traditional recipes you can make. Pokeberry jelly, for instance. They say the seeds of the berries are what's poisonous, but if you're careful the fruit itself should be fine."

Bitty stood there for a while, examining the pokeberries, rotating a cluster of them with his hand. "Have you ever tasted death, Jack?"

Jack's eyes grew wide. "Haha, okay?"

"I bet it'd be fun to taste death."

"......Did you say 'meth' or 'death', Bits?"

"Death."

"Oh."

Neither said anything. Then, Bitty slowly plucked a berry from the cluster. He stared at it like it was the Demon Core. His breath tightened. He rotated the orb in his fingers and pondered the finiteness of life, then put it in his mouth and bit down. Bitterness filled his mouth, and Bitty spat it out. His spit was dark purple, so he spat again, and again, and again to get the last bits of tiny seeds and purple dye out of his mouth. 

"Bits, are you okay?"

"Yeah, the berries were just more bitter than I thought."

"Okay."

"After I'm done gathering these berries, why don't we go back to where Shitty and Lardo were? I'm curious about what's there."

"Okay, Bits, but there's no way I'm trying a jelly made of poisonous berries."

"More for myself."

 

* * *

10\. 

Shitty was reclining nude on Penny Waltcliffe's fainting couch, while Penny was in front of an easle, painting him like one of her French boys. Lardo sat and watched, covering her mouth with her hand. "Snrklt!". 

"What was that, Lardo?" said Shitty.

"Ahem. Nothing. I just thought of something funny. Something else, I mean."

"Did you just call her Geraldo?" said Penny. 

"Snrklkt!"

"No, I, um, just called her Her...mon...ica." Shitty giggled. 

"Harmonica! What a lovely name. You're such a gentleman, Jeffrey."

Lardo spoke. "So, Ms. Waltcliffe-"

"Call me Penny, dear."

"So, Penny, I heard downstairs that you and your husband have a robotics business? How did that start?"

"...Well, I guess it started way back around World War II. I was one of the six women who programmed the ENIAC, one of the first computers, and it became obvious early on the potential that these machines had. They were like these great big brains, and one day maybe they could control these robots, maybe robot men, who could do... anything you could ask for." She grinned. "And so my husband and I started a robotics business. The earliest models were crude. Mechanical bears for the visitors centers at national parks, telling you not to start forest fires, that sort of thing. We've gotten better and better over time, you can barely hear the whirring of the motors now. We do good business. I obviously can't divulge everything, but it seems like practically every park of a certain size is interested in what we have to offer."

Shitty looked at Lardo, raised his eyebrows, and nodded. "So there are like, robotic deer down by the river?"

Penny leaned back and laughed. "Ha, ha, ha! You didn't hear it from me." She winked. "But in all seriousness, we primarily provide safety equipment for rescues, if someone is in a hard-to-get-to area, something like that."

"I see," said Shitty. 

"We aim to be that friendly face you see first when you're in dire straits." 

"Of course."

"But that's not to say we don't sometimes have fun!" Penny sighed and put down her brush. "Well, I think we're finished. Why don't you come here and let me know what you think?"

Shitty and Lardo walked over. Shitty paused and looked over the painting. "It's... very true to life. You have a good eye for detail. But who's he?" he said, pointing to a blonde man in the painting who for some reason was spooning Shitty, with an arm draped over his chest. That man looked like Bitty. A lot like Bitty. 

"Oh, I took... creative liberties."

"He looks... familiar."

"We're... all created in God's image!"

"I... suppose so."

Will you... stop doing that, Lardo thought. 

The tour guide from downstairs appeared at the doorway, saw Shitty's naked ass, and pursed her lips. She gestured to Penny. "Excuse me, ma'am. You have a board meeting in ten minutes."

"Oh, it's getting late," said Penny. "I have a board meeting soon which I'll appear at remotely, on my computer. Well, it's been a pleasure. I hope you come back to the house sometime, Jeffrey." Shitty and Lardo thanked her, and Shitty turned to get his clothes. 

"Also," said the tour guide. "In your email you said we should ask R&D to make a 'billion'? What did you mean by that?"

"I think you may have misread my email. Could you look again?"

The tour guide checked her phone. "Oh! Okay! You wanted a 'bi lion'. I'll, um, forward it to R&D."

 

* * *

11\. 

Bitty and Jack had made their way back to where Shitty and Lardo were earlier. They found a large rock with "Nude Rock" painted on the side. Many couples occupied nearby rocks, including a couple of naked guys sunbathing. Jack and Bitty sat on the declining slope of that rock, which faced the river and kept them hidden from the trail. Bitty looked around, then laid back and slipped off his shorts and boxers. Then he sat up and wrapped his arms around his knees. "Jack?" he said. 

"Yes, Bits?"

"Could you put sunscreen on me? I just realized I forgot to put some on earlier."

"Sure, Bits." 

He was mildly annoyed at Bitty, making him rub sunscreen on his naked boyfriend in a public place. The timing of Bitty's request seemed suspicious, and there was that smirk on Bitty's lips. Nevertheless, he reminded himself, _I don't care what they think_. 

"C'mon, Jack. I'm burning up."

Jack could see Bitty was a little red. He took a small travel-size tube of sunscreen from his backpack. He squeezed some into his hand, and whoops, a little too much spurted out. He brought his hands to Bitty's face and started spreading the sunscreen, first his cheeks, then his forehead, then his nose and ears and around his lips, and worked his way around Bitty's neck. He spread the sunscreen on his shoulders and down each of his toned arms. Next was Bitty's chest, but by now Jack was hard, and so was Bitty, who was hiding his erection with his legs. 

"Ahem. You know what, Jack? Why don't you get my back and I can take care of the rest myself." 

"Okay," said Jack. Jack moved around to Bitty's back and rubbed on some sunscreen. Then he gave the tube to Bitty, who worked on his chest, legs, and butt. He finished, and they both sat side-by-side, looking at the river and the surrounding rocks. Music from someone's bluetooth speakers played in the background, some kind of droning synthy rave music that you'd probably have to chug a lot of cough syrup to truly get. A Great Blue Heron stood silently on a rock and looked in their direction.

"You know, it's weird," said Bitty. "I'm sitting here naked, and nobody cares. Nobody's bothered by it. It's almost like, *I'm not me here*, and I like that feeling. Right here, right now, I fit in, even though I'm naked."

They sat in silence. Bitty took out his towel and laid down on it. Jack looked around. He noticed a snake resting on a branch of a tree sticking out of the river, draped like laundry. Jack then looked at the rocks spread out on the river, and wondered how he'd skate around them if the river were frozen.

"Are you thinking about hockey, Jack?"

"No." 

"Good."

Jack noticed that Bitty had gotten some flattering looks from girls on nearby rocks, not that he could blame them. 

"I wonder what nudists wear, Jack."

"Nothing, Bits."

"No, I mean, when they're not nude, on a day to day basis."

They both stared at the river. In the distance, a Canadian Goose taxied in for a landing, and repeatedly slapped the water's surface like an asshole.

"We should pick some mushrooms."

"No, Bits."

"Why not?"

"Have you ever picked mushrooms before? Your could easily accidentally pick something that kills you."

"I have some shrooms, dude," said a guy in dreads nearby. 

"Uh, yeah, sounds good," said Bitty. Jack's eyes bugged open. The guy went through his bag. 

"...Have you lost your mind, Bits." said Jack in a hushed voice. 

"Jack, I've obeyed the rules my whole life. Society says you can't walk on the train tracks, you can't be naked, you can't be gay, you can't swear. My parents told me I couldn't go more than a couple blocks from my house or else I might get kidnapped-- I couldn't even go to the playground that was right near my house. I even had a teacher in second grade tell us that you shouldn't touch your face. Maybe society is, sometimes, wrong, and we're missing out by following the rules. So, yeah," said Bitty. "Maybe I should do some shrooms."

The guy in dreads handed Bitty a baggie, them looked around. "Um, there's a family coming with kids. You might want to be discrete." The nude sunbathers on other rocks had already put on their shorts. 

"Thanks," said Bitty, as he put back on his shorts and put the baggie in his pocket. "Do I owe you anything?"

"Nah, happy to share." 

Jack rubbed his forehead with his palm and wondered how he ended up in this situation. He then thought of a strong counterargument. 

"You're becoming like Shitty, you know," said Jack. 

"So? He's going to Harvard Law School."

Jack did not have a response. 

Just then, a couple of kids ran to a neighboring boulder, and Harold and Ethel [see pt. 3] stood at the top of Nude Rock, oblivious to its name painted on the side. Harold surveyed his surroundings. The sights of the water, the rocks, the vegetation, the sun, his kids running around and having fun; everything looked like something out of a landscape painting, and Harold felt something he hadn't felt in his grumpy life in quite some time: happiness. (He was still constipated, but at least he was now at peace with it.) They sat down and unpacked. Harold put on "Fun, Fun, Fun" by the Beach Boys on his stereo, and even turned it up a little. Even the Great Blue Heron nearby, who had started squawking, couldn't squawk loudly enough to disturb them. 

"This sucks," said Bitty. "Let's go down to those rocks over there," he said, pointing to rocks in the middle of the river. 

Jack agreed, and they both put on their backpacks and crawled down to the edge of Nude Rock, and stepped into waist-deep water that was flowing pretty fast. They struggled a little to keep their footing. Jack crossed first. 

As Bitty started crossing, he heard a little girl behind him. He turned, and saw the six-year-old daughter of Harold and Ethel run to the edge. She sat down and started sticking her legs into the rushing water. _What are you doing?!?_ thought Bitty. "No!" he told the girl, holding his hands in a "stop" gesture. "This is dangerous. This isn't for little kids." The girl reached out and high-fived one of Bitty's hands. 

Harold ran over. "Get away from there!" he shouted. The girl hurried away. Harold and Bitty briefly made eye contact. Harold nodded as if to acknowledge Bitty was an adult who could make his own decisions, then turned and walked back to where he was sitting. 

Bitty and Jack rock-hopped toward the middle of the river. They made it to the biggest piece of land and were starting to climb the rock when a young guy in black briefs and green hair climbed out of a tree next to them. The guy walked to the far side of the rock, which was out of view of the near side of the river. Jack and Bitty continued over that rock and passed him, and were wading further into the river when Bitty looked back and noticed that that person had just put on a dress, and that she was picking up her things and leaving. 

Jack and Bitty continued, passing the rock with chalk art of a mouth with a tab of LSD on its tongue. They finally found a spot that shielded them from the eyes of those on the side of the river they had come from, while still being far enough away from the eyes on the other side of the river that they had some privacy. Now the only thing Bitty had to do before he could strip was wait until this raft that was drifting down the middle of the river was gone. And then another one, which seemed to appear just as raft #1 was far enough away. And another one. And then some people in inner tubes who weaved through the rocks that Bitty wished they had for themselves. Bitty stuck his hand in his pocket, and realized he lost the baggie with the shrooms while he was wading through the river.

"It's fantastic that so many people are enjoying the river today," said Bitty. "Just fucking fantastic."

 

* * *

  
12.

Shitty and Lardo descended the hill of the Pennymont mansion, when Shitty stopped and turned back.

"Hold on," Shitty said. "Can we acknowledge something?"

"What?" said Lardo.

"That is quite an erection."

"...........You mean the building."

"Yes."

They continued. Then Shitty stopped. "Can we acknowledge something else?"

"What, Shitty?"

"That....was....awesome!" said Shitty. "I mean, who knew someone so interesting lived here?"

"If you like her so much, why don't you marry her?"

"Maybe I will." 

"Well, I feel hurt," said Lardo. "I thought we had something going here, and here you are, willing to pose nude for every horny 100-year-old lady that comes by."

"You think there are actual robotic deer here?" said Shitty. 

"That was weird," said Lardo. "You know, there was a lot of weird shit going on with Penny."

"Yeah," said Shitty. "I guess her aristocratic accent kinda hid the fact that she was a little nuts. You know, I really wish I took a photo of that photo of Jack and Bitty. There is no way in hell they'll believe what happened without solid documentary evidence, even with you as a witness. Oh, look!" said Shitty, pointing to a raccoon leaning over a soda can. "It's the adventure raccoon!"

"I still don't know what you're talking about," said Lardo. 

"There was this mural at that stairwell we went down at the entrance to the park which had a raccoon holding a soda can labeled 'adventure'. Lardo, that raccoon was my spirit animal, and look! Now it's here." 

They approached the raccoon. It was foaming at the mouth. 

"Oh no," said Shitty. "That's got to be a bad omen."

 

* * *

13\. 

Jack and Bitty were walking back downstream, walking over a tunnel near concrete walls covered with intricate graffiti, with words like "GUH!", "BLUP!", and "FLIB!", and art of cartoon monsters, when Bitty noticed something. "Someone left their spraycan behind."

 _Oh God,_ thought Jack.

"Let's see what's in the tunnel," said Bitty. 

"You know, I'm going to wait right here," said Jack. 

Bitty climbed down to the tunnel, and then Jack followed anyway. They looked into the dark tunnel. The walls had some graffiti, but there were also some spots that were recently painted over in white. 

"I want to try something," said Bitty. 

"......Okay." said Jack. 

Bitty paused, then picked up the black spraycan. He thought for a second. Then he pointed the can at the wall, making sure the nozzle was pointing away from him, and sprayed a rudimentary capital "B". Then he moved right, and made a capital "I". Then he moved again, and made a "T". He moved again, but he now realized he was running out of space, so he had to make the second "T" scrunched up under the first "T". 

"Why didn't you just write 'Bits'?" said Jack. 

"Oh, right," said Bitty. He then squiggled out the second "T" with spray paint and was starting to make a little scrunched "S" under it when he heard, "Aw, man!"

Bitty jumped and turned, then slowly put down the spraycan. The guy just appeared out of nowhere. "What the hell?" he said. He shook his head. "You guys." He shook his fists in the air. "Errr!" He sighed. "Can I just say something? That has to be the worst... 'Bit N' or whatever I've ever seen."

"Sorry," said Bitty meekly. 

The guy sighed again. Jack and Bitty left without another word and climbed back up the trail. 

Some time passed. "I think I'd like to try cursing," said Bitty. 

"Hold on, Bits. What do you suppose this means?" He showed Bitty a text from Shitty that had just one word: "SASQUATCH!"

 

* * *

14\. 

Shitty and Lardo were back on the trail by the river, walking downstream. "I suppose my position," said Shitty, "is that she's, like, a hundred years old and I don't know if anything she did was technically illegal-- huh."

"What?" said Lardo. 

They approached an old man in shorts with a walking stick and a baseball cap with "SASQUATCH" on it. 

"Pardon me," said Shitty, "but you wouldn't happen to be--"

"TheNakedSasquatch? Yep,that'sme!" said the old man with a thick old-timey Virginian accent (or whatever the accent would be for the state they were in) that was rushed and a little hard to decipher. 

"Oh my God!" said Shitty to Lardo. "This guy's famous. He's known as being the old man who's always naked by the river. He was even interviewed on TV!" 

"Yep!" said the Naked Sasquatch. 

"But you got in trouble, didn't you?"

"Yep, but the law says youhavetobeobscene! Iwasntobscene!"

"That's right, in this state there's a legal definition for obscene behavior or something that had to be met for nudity to be considered indecent exposure, so they dropped the case."

"That'sright."

"Well," said Shitty. "Let me just say that I--"

"Youwannaknowasecret?"

"Pardon me?"

The Naked Sasquatch leaned in. "You wannaknow asecret?"

"Okay, sure."

"I'mnotthesasquatch. I mean, Iam, the 'Naked Sasquatch', but theresanother."

"Pardon?"

"Thereisanother. Lookout!"

"Okay. I will keep that in mind," Shitty said, unsure. He sighed and smiled, a tear in his eye. "Well," said Shitty to The Naked Sasquatch. "Sir, I consider you a hero. Please keep up the good fight."

"Well, thankyouverymuch," said the Naked Sasquatch. "Haveaniceday!" He passed them. 

Some distance later, Shitty spoke. "Wow! You don't meet someone like that every day."

"Yeah, I guess you don't," said Lardo, a little confused. 

They walked for some time, and the trail got narrower and narrower. Bushes were brushing their sides. "Shitty, are you sure we're going the right way?" said Lardo. 

"I wasn't going anywhere in particular," said Shitty. "I'm just wondering where this trail leads."

"I'm worried we'll get covered with ticks," said Lardo. 

Nearby, a deer stood still, watching them intently. Very intently. Then it jumped away. 

"What was that?!?" said Shitty. 

"Just a deer," said Lardo. 

They continued. Soon enough they found a spot next to the river which had a tree with steps nailed to the trunk. Someone left their shoes behind, and Shitty looked around for a full minute before looking up and realizing the guy was up in the tree. "Hey," the guy said. 

"Hey," said Shitty. "Looks like fun. You just sitting there?"

"Yeah, I think there might be an osprey nest around here somewhere. Hey, look out for the Sasquatch," he said. 

"Yeah, we just saw him."

"Freaky, huh."

"I... wouldn't say there was anything wrong with him," said Shitty, a little hurt.

"Well, you're a braver man than I am," said the guy. "I can't imagine how I'd react if I saw that massive hairy beast."

"Well, age does that to you," said Shitty. 

"Huh, yeah," said the guy. "Ten years ago I would've tried wrestling him to the ground. Not anymore."

"Well, anyway, we have to go. Have fun."

"You too." 

They walked further. Cobwebs were everywhere. Thorns were everywhere. As they crawled up a slope they passed a decaying mattress, timeless in a way, ten years old, thirty, who knows? It was starting to get dark. 

"Is it that late already?" said Shitty. 

"I guess the time really flew by," said Lardo. 

The wind blew softly. A moaning sound could be heard, maybe in the distance, maybe twenty feet away. 

The going was getting tougher. They scrambled over rocks, some with snakes slithering out from the cracks. Vines with thorns were everywhere, but they were sufficiently dextrous that they avoided the thorns until they didn't. 

"Shit!" yelled out Lardo, who slipped and fell, getting snagged on several vines of thorns. "Awwwww crap."

"You all right?" said Shitty.

"No. Help me up."

Shitty helped Lardo up, and they spent the next several minutes picking pieces of thorns from Lardo's skin and clothing. 

"I fucking hate these thorns," said Lardo. 

"Yeah, they suck," said Shitty. 

"Let's turn back."

"No! I can see a clearing from here!" said Shitty. "We'll have the place to ourselves!"

"Goddammit, Shitty."

"It's just a little further, then we'll turn back."

She sighed. "Okay." 

They scrambled over more rocks. Several minutes later, Lardo slipped and fell again, banging her shin and getting even more thorns lodged in her arm.

"Ow! Goddammit, Shitty."

"C'mon, we're almost there," said Shitty. He helped her up, and again they picked off the thorns sticking out of her skin.

"Fuck," she said.

They continued. Shitty scrambled smoothly, like a monkey, and was a little ways ahead while Lardo crawled over each individual rock with her hand and legs. 

"I'm almost there," said Shitty. Lardo looked up, and as she did she stepped up on this large, smooth rock next to the water, and her foot slid on some slime, and she fell on the rock, then tumbled sideways into hanging vines that dipped into the water and did I mention the vines had thorns on them. 

As the sound of her splash reverberated, Shitty made it into the light, that is, into the beachy area that bordered the water. "Oh my God, Lardo! It's beautiful!" he said. The "beachy area" wasn't much of a beach. The ground was covered with gravel (and bits of thorns), uncomfortable to bare feet, and an old stop sign was poking up out of the water, leaning on the shore. Foamy brown scum rested on the water's surface, having built up by the collecting power of the vortex under this particularly deep region of the river. Nevertheless, Shitty flung off his clothes and lowered himself into the water. As he swum around, a bruised, beaten, and besoaked Lardo limped into the light and lay down on a flat coffin-shaped rock. 

"Fuck," she muttered, staring up at the bottom of the leaves of the neighboring trees. As she rested, she heard a rustling...

Shitty pulled himself out of the water next to this big-ass maple tree that was on the far side of the beachy area, whose trunk stuck out nearly horizontally over the river. Shitty climbed it and walked the plank out as far as he could. 

"Hey, Lardo!" he said. "I'm going to jump!" But before he did, he decided to admire the view, standing there like some kind of Tarzan without a loincloth. 

He turned left, but his view was blocked by leaves from the tree he stood on. 

He turned back straight, and admired the expanse of the river, and he wondered how high above the water he was, which rushed underneath. 

He turned right. Sasquatch! Holy shit a Sasquatch. Oh fuck. The Sasquatch was crawling along the tree! Its hands were so large they nearly wrapped around the trunk. "Urk!" Shitty squeaked. He had like five seconds. The Sasquatch growled and crawled closer. Shitty's blood ran cold and puked adrenaline throughout his system, and he jumped into the water. He scrambled to the surface, then to the shore. "Lardo!"

"Shitty, let's go!" Lardo said frantically, standing there ready to run. Shitty put his clothes on as fast as possible, and they both ran, scrambling over rocks and around the vines that had foiled them before. The Sasquatch leaned into the woods and swiped, then roared again, but it stopped chasing them, and as Shitty and Lardo ran, the Sasquatch's vindictive roars sounded farther and farther away. 

They arrived at a makeshift bench, basically a log with crude drawings of penises on it. They sat down, and Shitty texted, "SASQUATCH!" to Jack. 

Jack texted back, "What?"

Shitty sat up and stared ahead. "I just realized something," he said. 

"What?" said Lardo. 

"I should've taken a photo of the Sasquatch! There's no way Jack and Bitty will believe us. Maybe we should turn back--"

They heard a roar, and they ran. 

 

* * *

15\. 

Jack and Bitty decided to return to the area near Nude Rock. It was cloudy and getting closer to sunset. They found this sandy area nearby, where they sat down and rested. They admired the pink and purple hues of the clouds. A shirtless middle-aged man walked his dog nearby and passed them. He returned ten minutes later in his briefs, then left. Most other people had already left, and things were getting quiet. 

Bitty pondered stripping again, maybe swimming, but from where they sat, they were a little too visible from the trail, so Bitty looked around. He peaked around some bushes to see if anyone was near Nude Rock, and saw a college-aged couple in their swimsuits making out, their dog beside them. (The dog was not on a leash, in violation of park regulations.) He sat back down for a minute. Jack was still sitting silently. A few minutes later, Bitty checked again. The guy was laying on his back, while the girl, in her bikini, was on top, cowgirl-style, grinding her pelvis into him. He sat down again, his heart beating faster. He waited. 

Then he checked again. 

They were now naked and fucking, doggystyle, in what Bitty could swear was plain view of the trail. "Ssssshit" he whispered. "Jack, come here."

"What, Bitty?" said Jack, and he gasped as he saw the amorous couple. 

"Jack," said Bitty. "I hope this doesn't sound too weird, but can I suck you off? Like, right here, right now?"

Jack froze, deer in the headlights style. Then he looked around, and sat down as low as he could next to the water. He tucked his thumbs into the front of his shorts. Bitty knelt in front of him. Jack took out his dick, and Bitty grabbed it and entered it into his mouth. 

"Hey, Jack!" yelled Shitty. He was on the trail and could see Jack's head and shoulders. Shitty jumped and waved with both his arms. Lardo stood next to him. "There you are! I've been looking for you!" 

"Hey Jack!" said Lardo, waving. 

The amorous couple scrambled to put on their clothes, and Jack scrambled to put his dick back in his shorts. Bitty sighed and hung his head in disappointment. 

"Jack, do you see me?" yelled Shitty. "I'm here!" Jack just stared ahead and leaned back on his elbows. Shitty ran over the rocks, nearly trampling the amorous couple, and within a minute he was at Jack's side. 

"Hey guys," said Shitty. "Looks like you found this place."

"Yep," said Jack. 

"How's it going, Bitty?" said Shitty. 

"Tired," said Bitty. 

"Yeah, it's been a long day for Lardo and I," said Shitty. "As cool as it might be to camp out overnight, I don't think we're allowed to stay past sunset, so we should probably get going soon. The sooner we get to the motel, the sooner we can get some sleep. Also, I am starving. I doubt that anyone has ever wanted anything as much as I want food right now."

Jack just stared ahead. So did Bitty. 

 

* * *

16\. 

It was dusk, and Shitty, Lardo, Jack, and Bitty were walking back along the trail. They reached the concrete staircase, and Shitty saw the mural of the raccoon and the soda can labeled "Adventure". He sighed. 

Bitty passed the mural of the meditating nude figure without much thought, but he noticed a white space on the side, unpainted except someone had drawn in permanent marker the word "Bit-n" next to a robot with sparks coming out of its head. They did a good job. "The fuck?" said Bitty under his breath. 

They made it back to their car. The parking lot was mostly empty, except for a car with a sculpture of some half-fish, half-deer, and half-lizard creature on top. They drove off. 

Some time passed. Then Jack spoke up. "So, what was that about the Sasquatch?"

Lardo spoke. "Well, what Shitty meant is that he saw The Naked Sasquatch, who's an eccentric local man who's often nude by the river."

"No." said Shitty. "I mean, yes, I did see him, but it's probably going to come out in a Congressional investigation anyway, so I might as well mention it: I saw *the* Sasquatch. The actual creature, except I think it was a robot. I'm guessing it was built by this old lady who's an eccentric robotics baron whose house Lardo and I visited."

"Shitty, I have a theory," said Bitty. "You've been under a lot of stress lately."

"I'm not crazy, Bitty. Right, Lardo? You saw it too."

Lardo paused. "Well..."

"I can't believe it. You were there! Okay, look, here's some evidence. While at the Pennymont mansion, I saw a photo of you guys, nude, standing on a boulder."

Jack and Bitty raised their eyebrows and looked at each other. "I... I don't think so--" said Bitty, but Jack blurted out:

"How did you know we were there?"

"A ha! So you were there," said Shitty. 

"Look, Shitty, I have some shrooms," said Bitty, attempting a bribe. He had just realized the shrooms he thought were lost were in his other pocket the whole time. 

"W...why do you have shrooms, Bitty?" said Shitty. 

"Some guy gave them to me."

Shitty stopped at a stop sign. Just then, a tank drove down the street, followed by a large number of cop cars.

"I don't know," said Shitty. "Can we just agree that this whole city is cursed?" 

 

* * *

Epilogue:

Bitty was flying through the air, naked, with the nude meditating figure from the mural. They faced each other and held on to each others hands, interlocking their fingers. 

"Naked mural guy," said Bitty. "I've just remembered something. I think it might help you. Earlier today, I dropped my shrooms into the river. When I put my hand in my pocket, they weren't there. I thought I was out of luck, but then the river must have put them in my other pocket. The river's name was the Edwards River. I think that was you! And your real name is Edwards River!"

The naked mural guy spoke with Jack's voice: "Haha, okay. We're at a drive-through, Bitty. I'm, um, getting you a Big Mac."

**Author's Note:**

> Well that was dumb.


End file.
